Family Day at The Ranch

Most of you who know me, know that we (my kids especially) go to "the ranch" a lot over the summer.

(This is the gravel road leading to the ranch, you can see my aunt and uncle's house way far in the background)

Starting last year, my grandpa started having a big family get together, lasting about a week, at the ranch. People come with their 5th wheels, tents, whatever, and stay up there for a day, a night, a few nights or the whole week. My grandparents live at the ranch too, and they absolutely LOVE having family over.

(My grandpa)

These next few lines are going to be hard for me to write. I'm going to be as honest as I can be.
I don't go to the ranch as often as I should.
I don't see my grandparents as often as I should. It's hard for me. I am overwhelmed with guilt and sadness when I think about the time I should be spending with them, my grandma especially, but I still don't change it.
My grandparents moved to the ranch a few years ago when my grandma's memory started to fade fast. She has been to several doctors, some say she has Alzheimer's, some say it's just dementia, and some say that it's from several mini strokes that she's had over the past few years. I'm sure the mini strokes are probably the main cause of her memory loss, at least in my non-doctor opinion.
My grandma and I have always been close. Really really close. When I was growing up, going and spending the night with them was such a treat for me and I did so well into my teenage years. She would get up at 5am, most mornings I would get up that early too with her. She'd make me Cream of Wheat, a little lumpy, just like I asked, with a pat of butter and some sugar with some toast. She'd read the paper, do her crossword and visit with me during my breakfast. We'd sit at the table and talk and talk and talk in the mornings that I stayed the night. I'd go to California with them to visit my aunts, uncle, cousins and great grandma and I so cherish those memories. We'd go to shopping, go on walks, eat Aunt Mary's amazing dinners but the memories that stand out most to me are the ones of us just talking.
Just visiting with each other.
Enjoying being together.
So why now do I not spend the time that I so desperately want to with her?
I can't bear it.
I can hardly hold back the tears when I see her.
She IS still my grandma and I love her dearly. The mini strokes have changed her though. Her physical appearance is even different. But I honestly love the person she is now, just as much as I love the person she used to be. But it's just hard for me to see her lose her memories. Of things, of people, of places, it breaks my heart. I feel like not spending the time I should be/want to be spending with her will protect my heart somehow. It makes no sense, I'm sure, but that's how I think of it. Even though I don't want to think that way. I'm trying to change my way of thinking. I'm trying to just breathe and realize that getting older and having health problems like she's having is just a way of life for some elderly people. It is what it is, and I have to CHOSE to make the best of it. I'm trying to, but as I keep saying, it's so hard.
It was especially hard for me yesterday. I arrived at the ranch and went to where all the family was visiting outside and I overheard my grandma ask my grandpa who I was. I can barely write this, as the tears are blurring my view. Granted, I look a LOT different than I have my whole life, I JUST got my hair cut in a very different and very short style. And as soon as my grandpa said who I was, she acted embarrassed and said something to the effect that "of course she knew who she is". I don't think anyone overheard that exchange besides myself and I didn't tell my mom or my husband or anyone just because I don't think I could actually say those words out loud.
"My grandma didn't recognize me."
No, I just don't think I can say them. It's hard enough to type them. I keep telling myself over and over that it was just because of my hair being so different and because I had my big sunglasses on. Yes, that's it. Nothing more. She wouldn't forget me. She couldn't forget me.
Right?

Whew - I didn't mean to make this a debbie downer blog. :) I guess what I'm trying to say and more importantly, say to myself is that I have a wonderful grandma, she's as sweet as they come, as funny as they come, someone who I will ALWAYS be close to, no matter what happens to her memory and I need to put my own hurt aside and know that she didn't chose this and that she wants to see me as much as I want to see her, and so I need to suck it up and spend time with her. I know in years to come I will appreciate the time I spend with her. I need to spend more time with her.
I love her so much that it feels like my heart will burst.

(My grandma and me)

I originally wrote this blog to share some pictures that I thought were pretty great from the ranch! :)
These are clickable, so you can click on them to see them bigger.


Taylor and Grace


Weeee!! :)


Jackson trying to catch the sheep so he can ride it. He's ALL boy! :)


My mom, me and Shannon :)


The kids playing in the creek.


My girl.


My boy.


Taylor posing - as usual. :)


Taylor and Grace giving themselves spa mud facials. :)

There are a lot more pictures here! Come check them out! :)